Stop undermining the values I wish to teach my daughter: an uneducated feminist rant

First, I have subtitled this post, 'an uneducated feminist rant,' because although I have studied two feminized subject areas (nursing and librarianship), I have never studied feminist theory. I like to believe that I have feminist leanings on a fundamental level, but I couldn't dip my toe into a discussion of feminist principles beyond, 'Why yes, I DO think everyone should be treated equal regardless of gender.' What little I know about the theories are based on dinner conversations with my friend Mandy.

But, this is not a discussion of my lack of knowledge. This is a discussion about how people view my 20 month old daughter.

My daughter is very cute.

Yes, this is partially parental pride, but we get a lot of comments from people. Random strangers, friends, family members. We've walked around malls with Ruth hanging on to our hands and heard people gawk at her as we go by. We receive lots of remarks on how pretty her eyes, or her curls are.

I'm not going to post a picture, sorry. Ruth rarely graces the pages of my social media, and if she does, I make sure the picture doesn't provide a clear shot of her face. This is partially for her protection, but also because at 20 months old, she doesn't have the ability to give her consent to my posting her picture.

I will say she's petite, with big blue eyes and strawberry blond curls. She's normally fair skinned, although she's quite tanned right now from being out in the sun so much. Once she's given you very careful, and serious consideration, she'll likely give you a huge smile. I do my best not to dress her in an overtly girly fashion (i.e. skirts and dresses), or colours (well, you know).

Now, to the point.

On Saturday we went to a local beach. An older woman, who happened to be situated next to our blanket, remarked on Ruth's physical appearance "She looks just like a baby from a magazine..." Um...okay.

Then she said something to this affect: "When she turns 13 you're going to have to lock her up in a tower to keep the boys away."

Um...what? Did we somehow get sucked back into 'Ye Olden Times' without knowing it? Sadly, this is not the first time we've heard such a comment.

In this case, we tried to turn it into a joke by responding with: "Oh no, we'll just teach her how to deal with people."

This woman was a stranger, and although we were horrified by her remark, was there a point in entering into an argument about the inappropriateness of her comment? I don't know. I don't particularly like to argue with people I do know, so it didn't seem worth it.

Before we knew Ruth's gender Andrew and I both hoped for a girl--and we knew that we would have to work extra hard to teach her that she could be as capable as any person to be whatever she wants. That just because she's female doesn't mean she has to wear pink, and dresses, and that it's okay to be good at math and science, if her interests lean in the STEM direction. But, that it's also okay to like pink for the sake of liking pink, and that social sciences are a wonderful avenue of study.

Furthermore, we want to teach her critical thinking skills, so there's no reason for building that tower. Arming her with knowledge about sex and consent are far more effective than a lock and key. We can't protect Ruth against everything, I know that, even if I haven't totally accepted it yet. All we can do is try to give her the tools she needs to maneuver her way through life as best as she can, and let her go.

But please, try not to undermine the values we're trying to teach her by telling her that she's going to be too pretty to be safe on her own. She may only be 20 months old, be she understands a great deal of what people say to her already.

So what we tell her is this: We love her no matter what, she's smart, she's thoughtful, and she's a hard worker.

Ciao,

Andrea

Cimwai's Bay, now available for download on Amazon

Look. At. This.

I've written a blog post. I know, it's been a while. Closing in on a year since I last posted. I never meant to stop blogging, I simply ran out of time.

Aside from having a active 20 month old, I've been working part-time from home, and I'm also an now an aerials instructor! Yes. As of May 2016, Brass Butterflies in north Waterloo, offers lessons in aerial silks and aerial hoop. I'll try to pen (type) a few posts about this new direction in my life in the coming weeks. If you have any burning questions about aerials you need to have answers to now, feel free to fire them my way.

The main purpose of this post is to announce my recently released novel, Cimwai's Bay for download on Amazon.

Ava is an average girl-next- door—albeit with a mane of emerald hair. Soon after her failed beauty treatment, which cannot be turned back to normal by dye, or remain trimmed at a shorter length for more than a minute, she is forced to flee her beloved home to escape the archaic anti-magic laws of her community. Ava doesn’t desire great magical power, even when she’s told she has the potential for it. Rather, she’d prefer to hide away in a quiet, clean kitchen where she can turn out perfect pot roasts and flaky apple pies. Half of her wish comes true when she finds work in the capital city of Korval as the housekeeper of the great magician, Jacob Baine. Sensing her magical skill, Jacob coaxes her, or perhaps more aptly infuriates her, along the path to taking control of her magical abilities. With all the stress of her new life, can Ava be blamed for falling for the mysterious Troy? Dashing and charming, treating her to cake and tea, she doesn’t realize the danger he represents. Only when it’s too late to escape Troy’s plans does she realize she’s the key to his plot to break the magical seal over Cimwai and bring himself to power.

This is a self-published title, and it's now available as an e-book. I've decided to use my pen name Peggy Fitz (a few readers once privy to my first attempt at a serial 'VoP', may recognize this moniker). Currently there is only one title featuring Ava Ravenscraft available, although a second is partially completed. It's my hope to release the full trilogy, but I can't tie down a timeline at the moment.

I have further self-publishing plans, which includes the release of my aerial romance, 'The Circus of Love,' before the end of the summer. Featured in this novel is Beth Witt, an aerials silks performer who finds herself caught up in a company scandal and romance. I still need to piece together a cover, but that shouldn't take too long.

Finally, I will be re-releasing my previously self-published title, The Cure, with a new cover at which time I will change it over to my pen name as well.

You'll hear more for me soon.

Ciao,

Andrea

Organ donation: Just do it

This will hopefully be the last time I blog about my mom's illness. In fact, I'm not going to write about her illness at all, rather, I want to take a couple of minutes to encourage everyone to be an organ and tissue donor.

In Ontario, you have to sign up to be an organ donor. The form comes with your driver's license, and you can either mail it back, or you can fill out an electronic version. You actually have to confirm your donor status online, so it might be better to just do the technologically advanced thing, and save a tree. Either way, it takes about 2 minutes to complete the form.

Just do it.

Here are a few points about organ donation, summarized from the Be A Donor website.

Why donate?

• According to the Be A Donor website, currently 1,500 Ontarians are waiting for an organ donation, and every 3 days, 1 of those patients dies due to a lack of a suitable organ. My Mom waited approximately 6 weeks for her liver.

The Donation Decision:

• Your decision to donate is confidential, and it will not affect the care you receive in the hospital should you become ill. The only thing we know about my Mom's donor is that they weren't local (the guess is Northern Ontario).
• Anyone over 16 years of age can donate, and you can withdraw your consent at any time.
• Although the Trillium Foundation always confers with your family before your organs are donated, your family can override your decision to donate, so make sure you talk to your family about your decision.
• Without a pre-signed consent form, only 50 percent of families agree to organ donation.

The Donation Process:

• Once a donor dies, their organs are tested for medical suitability, and to determine which patients are a best match for your organs.
• Organs that can be donated include: heart, liver, lungs, kidneys, pancreas, small bowel, stomach, corneas, heart valves, skin and bone.
• The whole process takes about 24 hours, and should not impact funeral arrangements. An open casket should still be possible.
• The family should not incur costs from the donation process.

So, that's it. I hope I'm done with this chapter of my life. As Andrew and I have discussed lately, it feels like we've lived through several lives since June, and we could do with a break.

Please consider agreeing to be an organ donor. You can save a life, possibly several.

Just do it.

Ciao,

Andrea

Tainted blood

That's what my Mom received in 1977, a tainted blood transfusion. It saved her life at the time, and I wouldn't have been born otherwise, but it almost took her life 38 years later.

My Mom was a victim of the tainted blood scandal and contracted Hepatitis C. She only found out she carried the virus last spring (2014). I remember the phone call clearly. My parents had emailed to ask if we could talk sometime over the upcoming weekend (we were still living in Boston at the time). We had no idea what was coming, and after some awkward storytelling (where we thought a different C word was going to be relayed), we were informed of my Mom's condition. It was the same weekend we were planning to inform our families that I was pregnant.

The CBC has a full timeline of the tainted blood scandal. According to the timeline, Hepatitis C (not yet identified as type C) began appearing in 1971. In 1978, the American Red Cross informed the Canadian Red Cross that blood donations may be tainted, but testing for HIV didn't begin until 1985, and it took until 1990 for direct testing of donations for Hepatitis C. Yeah. The Krever Commission began in 1993 looking into Canada's blood system. The following year the Red Cross recommended that people who received blood transfusions be tested, but as far I know, the Red Cross didn't actually contact people directly and tell them to get tested. Finally, in the late 1990s, lawsuits were launched to obtain compensation for all people infected by tainted blood.

My Mom, Dad, my brothers and I are all eligible for compensation.

What you might be wondering now is, how could my Mom have lived for 37 years without knowing she had Hepatitis C? Well, Hepatitis is a 'silent' disease, meaning there aren't a lot of obvious symptoms until the illness is quite advance. Things like fatigue, lethargy, and loss of appetite are typical, but could be interpreted of signs for almost anything. However, once the disease is advanced, liver damage (cirrhosis), organ failure, and liver cancer can occur (Canadian Liver Foundation, CDC). As we learned from my Mom's experience, the liver does a lot more than act as a filter. It creates important proteins that keep the fluid of the vascular system where it should be (and not leaking out into the lungs), and helps manufacture platelets (an important factor in clotting). So, when the liver is damaged, many other bodily functions start to break down.

After 38 years of living with Hepatitis C, my Mom's liver was severely damaged. Even before she went into the ICU in June, there had been talks of liver donation. After she went into the hospital it became evident that if a transplant didn't occur, it was unlikely that my Mom would survive.

As a dose of irony, even if my Mom had found out about her condition earlier, she wouldn't have been cured of Hepatitis C any sooner. Yes, her condition could have been managed, but not cured. It was only in 2014 that, Harvoni, the drug my Mom was eventually treated with, was approved by Health Canada. Her most recent blood tests show she is now free of Hepatitis C.

So that it. That's more-or-less the story of my Mom's illness without going into any private details. In my next post I'll talk about the importance of organ donation.

Ciao,

Andrea

Barely controlled choas

That's what my life feels like, right now. Like I'm juggling, and just managing to catch the balls, or possibly occasionally dropping one and having to snag it on the bounce back. I'll throw this out there right now, into the vast space of the Internet, that if I've let someone down over the past couple of months, I'm sorry. Very sorry.

Let me explain.

First, the family emergency. In June my Mom was hospitalized. She spent something like 10 weeks (my Dad knows exactly) in the ICU. She received an organ transplant mid-August. Her life is no longer in immediate danger, but it still recuperating in hospital (she was bed-ridden for almost all of her time in the ICU, so rehab is going to take awhile). We hope she'll be transferred to a hospital more local to where my parents live soon.

I still hope to write a couple more details posts about this experience, not because I want to air my family drama, but because I want to provide some education about my Mom's health concerns. Mainly, her illness and its cause, and the importance of being an organ donor.

While my Mom was in hospital, Andrew and I continued to house hunt. After viewing 35+ houses, we settled on a semi-detached in the East Ward of Kitchener. It isn't perfect (is that even possible?), but the main and top floors have been recently, and nicely renovated (the house was built in 1850), and it's in the neighbourhood we wanted. We took possession on July 30th, and have been slowly putting the house together, made more difficult by trying to reacquaint ourselves with friends, and by the fact that we've essentially had 1-day weekends all summer since we lose a day to visit my Mom most weekends. We're also slowly tackling some larger house issues (the roof needs to be redone, the foundation needs to be looked at for a small seepage problem, etc).

If moving and sick family members weren't enough, we've also somehow found ourselves involved in the possible expansion of a small business, and a start-up. These are two different ventures, involving entirely different people and different ideas. I can't talk too much about either of these at the moment, other than to say I'm excited to be involved in both, but hope to blog about them in the future.

And have I mentioned lately that I have a 10.5 month older daughter who is constantly on the go? She crawls like a speed demon, and can cover the length of our main floor in the blink of an eye (especially if she's chasing after Tabitha). We don't think unassisted walking is far off at this point, which means I'm going to be running after Ruth pretty soon. How time flies.

I've been wondering for sometime if life will ever not feel this way--like we're juggling chaos. I hope that it's due to the events of this summer that we're feeling extra crushed, and eventually the stress will dial back a few degrees. We'll see, I suppose.

Ciao,

Andrea

Family Emergency, Update

This is a short post to update you, gentle reader, on my family emergency.

It's on going.

That's it. I would like to write about a couple of the aspects of this situation (for educational purposes), but I feel like I need to wait until we've reached something more of a conclusion before I do that.

Here's what I'll say for now:

When we flew back to Ontario in June, the state of the emergency was probably at a 9.5 out of 10. We thought we were coming to say goodbye. For much of the following week we continued to think that was the most likely outcome.

At this point I'd probably dial the emergency rating back to about a 5 or 6 out of 10. My family member isn't well. They are slightly better, but there's still no immediate expectation of them being discharged from the hospital.

Finally, I want to encourage everyone to consider being an organ donor, and then make sure you discuss your decision with your family.

I hope everyone's have a great summer.

Ciao,

Andrea

How my life is really unglamourous

Have you ever read or heard that Facebook is bad for your self-esteem?

I have.

Think about it. What do most people post about on Facebook? Probably their: TOTALLY AWESOME VACATIONS! THE AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS MEAL FROM LAST NIGHT! THE SUPER HARDCORE WORKOUT FROM THIS MORNING! etc, etc.

Right? Right?

I'll admit, I'm totally guilty of this too. I post vacation pictures, pictures of the cakes I decorated, me doing aerials, and what is probably the most annoying habit: I post pictures of my adorable daughter (she's really cute, it's hard not to inundate my Facebook feed with pictures of Ruth everyday).

Why do we do this? Ostensibly, it's to share, right? Share pictures with friends and family who aren't local. Share good and bad experiences with vacation locations/businesses/restaurants. Share our successes, and share our failures. Share our feelings, both positive and negative.

But maybe, just maybe, we also share to make ourselves feel better.

I'm not saying this is necessarily a bad thing. Facebook is a great communication tool. I'd never know about friends struggling with depressions/anxiety, physical illness, crappy jobs, job loss, etc. if they didn't post things on Facebook. And I want to know. The last thing I want to do is make an inappropriate joke or comment to someone (which isn't to say that I wouldn't do that due to my extreme Darcy-pants), but knowing will make it slightly less likely that it would happen.

Obviously I've used this blog and Facebook to describe some of my recent family stresses (they're still ongoing, by the way). I wanted to let people know that something crappy was happening in my life, and writing the posts that I did was the easiest way to do so. It also provided me some cathartic release. Perhaps the less formal avenue of a cyber community makes it easier for people to share difficult things?

So, the shares I'm really referring to here are the boastful posts. The vacations, the fancy food, the *cough, cough* aerials videos. Let me say again, I am NOT without guilt. I don't post my pictures to intentionally make others feel bad, and I'm sure others don't post their pictures to make me feel bad, but I do. I desperately want to have cool worldly travels, do amazing aerial tricks, and have the cutest baby. But I can't, and I don't, and trying to find positive things to say about your awesomesauceness is dragging me down.

This is why Facebook is terrible for the self-esteem. We post the awesomest pictures of our lives, which makes the rest of us in our turn to feel like our everyday sucks.

I'm not asking anyone to stop posting pictures exemplifying their badassitude in life, I'm mostly trying to remind myself that people tend to share only the smallest, best portions of their lives, and in between those moments they still have to do laundry, get groceries, and brush their teeth. And, unless you're Chuck Norris, you probably do those things in a pretty boring, everyday manner.

So, I'm planning an experiment. For the next week or so, I'm going to post ordinary pictures. Pictures that show what my current life on mat leave is like. I'll try to limit the posts to less than 5 a day, and none of Ruth being cute. Feel free to comment or not, feel free to post your own in response to mine. Feel free to ignore me completely.

It's your life. and this is mine.

Ciao,

Andrea