Character flaws: it's not you, it's totally me, Wrap up

This marks the end of my 'Character flaws' posts for two reasons. First, I was attempting to use this series as a Lenten-like reflection exercise and Lent is nearly over. Second, if I kept coming up with more flaws (and I'm quite confident I could), you, dear reader, might start to wonder if there's anything likable about me. Or, you might worry that I was suffering from an unhealthy degree of self-loathing (which is also possible).

So, what have I learned?

I can be unsociable and taciturn (aka a Darcy-Pants); I'm jealous; I can be quick to anger and I'm grumpy; I'm a scaredy cat; I'm a worrier; and I don't know many things.

I don't think any of these flaws were a surprise, I was aware of many of these long ago. The more important question is, have I managed to do anything about them and well, I'm not sure. I've been trying to be nicer to random people. To at least smile and nod if someone holds the elevator door open for me, and to say 'thanks' if I get my vocal cords warmed up in time. Hey, baby steps, right?

Also, Andrew recently complimented me for saying exactly the right thing, at exactly the right time to give the impression that I wasn't angry over something (which I wasn't). I can't confidently say that this conversational success with the result of diligent study, but maybe it had something to do with being at ease (i.e. not jealous or angry or worried) with the situation?

It's only been a few weeks, and this will definitely be a work of a life time. As I commented in my last post (The death of 1000 paper cuts) no one can be perfect and that's not my aim, but I want to be better than what I am now. Better for my own benefit, better for my husband, better for my friends, and better for any children I might bare in the future.

I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business.

~Michael J. Fox

Ciao

Character flaws: it's not you, it's totally me, Part 6

I say, 'I don't know,' a lot.

Or at least more often than what I'm comfortable with; or possibly often enough that some people might start to wonder, 'Well, what does she know?'

I think this has to do with my introverted nature. I don't like being put on the spot to offer up an opinion. Chances are, I do have at least some thoughts on the matter at hand, but being asked to offer them all of a sudden is a challenge if I haven't had time to arrange them.

For example, often at work meetings (like say, at a journal club) I'll often think about what I want to say well in advance of actually speaking up. I'll run over my point two or three times in my head to figure out the wording before I talk. Or at least this is true in the case of where an opinion/evaluation is required, simple fact-like questions I don't have a problem answering on the spot. As stated before, afterwards I often worry if I sounded like a complete idiot during a meeting because I took a chance to speak and perhaps rambled more than I meant, or didn't manage to make my point clearly.

Knowing I was going to write about this flaw, I've been trying to give a more decided opinion when asked for my thoughts as of late. I'm not sure how well I've succeeded thus far, but I'm trying.

And this isn't to say I can't never know the answer--the last thing I want to appear as is an insufferable know-it-all (assuming people don't already look at me that way). This is just a reminder to not allow myself to fall back on the crutch of saying 'I don't know,' all the time instead of giving my thoughts. Appearing insufferably reserved won't win me any popularity contests either.

'True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.'
~Socrates

Ciao

Character flaws: It's not you, it's totally me, Part 5

I'm a worrier.

Big time.

I worry about everything. About being late, about why other people (mainly Andrew) are late, how I'm perceived, how my actions are perceived, where the next phase of our life is going to take us, and once we get there will we like it, etc., etc.

And I know, worrying doesn't accomplish anything, except perhaps to make me more exhausted, but there it is.

So, what am I supposed to do about this? Does my recurrent theme of practicing help here? I suppose on some levels if I practice greater patience, I might worry less about punctuality. Also, if I practice making conversations with people and being friendlier, I might be less apt to worry about how others perceive me. Or I might instead worry about whether or not what I said in my efforts to be conversational came across as stupid or haughty.

It would seem that many of my faults are intertwined with one another. Perhaps this has always painfully obvious to everyone else (not necessarily that only my faults are interrelated, rather that everyone's are), but it's only now becoming apparent to me.

Let me be clear as I'm approaching the end of my Character Flaws posts, I'm not trying to make myself a perfect (LeeLoo Dallas-type) being. I'm only trying to recognize where I have room for improvement. With the possibility of children looming closer on our horizon, I would like to present the best person I can be to them, rather than a grouchy, bitchy woman, who's dissatisfied with her life choices.

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
~Dalai Lama XIV

Ciao

Character flaws: It's not you, it's totally me, Part 4

I am quick to irritate/I am impatient.

I'm putting these two together, since I think they're probably inter-related. I also think I'm getting better about both, but that doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement. Regardless, I think poor Andrew bares the brunt of both of these failings of mine.

I say quick to irritate rather than quick to anger ('She gets madder quicker than any woman I ever saw' ~Frank Kennedy, Gone With The Wind), as I don't *think* I get out-right mad too often. Although I can't seem to find a good way to differentiate the two emotions except perhaps anger is longer lasting? I'm not sure.

Here's an example:

On Monday Andrew and I went out for our regular run. It's very icy here in Edmonton and I slipped and fell. I've had several falls onto my left knee, which is what happened and my dear hubby, concerned, asked if I wanted to stop and go home (we hadn't even gotten off our block yet). I disdainfully replied 'NO' and 'I'm fine.'

Why was I so annoyed at Andrew asking me if I was okay? Isn't it a normal, thing to do? To be concerned about someone after you witness them fall? The best explanation I can come up with is that I have a strong sense of independence and I rarely ask for help. Even as I child, once I got to a certain age (maybe 12 or so, I don't remember for sure), if I was sick, I would stay home alone and take care of myself.

Still, I shouldn't get irritated.

I think my impatience also leads to irritation. I'm an 'on time' sort of person. If you tell me to be somewhere at a certain time or place, I'll be there at the time, possibly a few minutes early. Similarly, when I say I'm ready to start something, like say dinner, I mean, I'm ready to sit down and eat, NOW. Not in two minutes once you've used the washroom or come to a stopping point in your book.

So now comes the part where I try to offer myself solutions for this behaviour, and I feel like I'm being a broken record on this point: I need to practice. As I said, I'm much better on both these points. I used to be a very sore loser when it came to board and card games. I still don't enjoy losing (who does?), but I think I'm better at taking it as it comes because I've realized Munchkin is just a game (or Settlers, or Euchre, etc.) and doesn't reflect on my success at life.

Sure, I still complain about my bad luck during a game, but I don't throw down my cards, or dice, and get snippy with the other players because I just lost a point/was prevented from killing a monster/was penalized by the robber (you get what I mean if you've played any of the previously mentioned games).

Further, I can employ some of basic strategies such as count to 5 or 10 when someone says/does something that irritates me before I speak. Also, recognizing my bad behaviour and apologizing afterwards probably wouldn't hurt either. Overall, I think I need to try to be more mindful of the feelings of the person I am interacting with and remember they are just as important as mine.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? ~George Carlin


Ciao

Character flaws: It's not you, it's totally me, Part 3

I'm a scaredy cat.

Not, I'm 'afraid of heights/afraid of getting hit by a car while crossing the street/afraid of germs' kind of scaredy cat. I'm scared of people.

Okay, so I'm not scared of people on the whole. I'm scared of random people. The disheveled (likely homeless) person on the street shuffling down the sidewalk, the person shouting angrily (either at someone, or just into the air), the weird person who gets on the elevator with me and talks to be about seemingly random things. I'm afraid of those people.

Really, I think what I'm afraid of is unpredictability. What is that person going to say or do? Are they going to lash out violently? Are they going to make a sexist or racist comment? I may also be afraid of myself and whether or not I'd be able to respond appropriately, or in a way in which I can hold my head up afterward.

Here's the other thing, I'm not sure what I should recommend to myself to do to try to over come this flaw. Part of what is scary about unpredictability is that it could lead to bodily harm. For example, if two people are having an argument on a street, a concerned passer-by might try to step in and see if they can help diffuse the situation, but it might also get them stabbed with a previously concealed knife. I'm not saying it will happen, just that it could.

I suppose a good start is recognition of my flaw. I think part of tackling it may also be linked back to my earlier post about being a Darcy-pants. I don't think that I need to necessary strike up conversations with homeless people, or weird people in elevators, but I can at least try to be polite (Sorry, I don't have any change) rather than completely mute.

Any other suggestions?

Maybe ever’body in the whole damn world is scared of each other.
~John Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men

Ciao

Character flaws: It's not you, it's totally me, Part 2

I can be jealous.

Not-'You better run for your life if you can little girl,
hide your head in the sand little girl,
catch you with another man,
that's the end, little girl' (Run for your Life, Rubber Soul)-jealous.*

I'm pretty un-jealous when it comes to other women interacting with Andrew. I'm sure many scorned women have said so before, but I know my husband and I'm not worried. Goodness gracious, some of the conversations that go on with our friends at aerials, they can be... ...interesting, and only okay among friends you're comfortable with. Jealousy in love is not my problem.

I get jealous over abilities, achievements, and opportunities. Does that make sense? Let me explain.

1) Someone shows up with a skill or ability similar to my own, but can do something better, or knows an extra trick, I feel jealous. This could be in aerials, cake decorating, music, writing, etc.

2) Someone wins some sort of award or recognition for something similar to what I do, I feel jealous. In high school the local paper reported on the one act plays put on by the various schools. They acknowledge a student from another school who wrote, directed and acted in their own play. I had done the same that year, but received no recognition, I was pretty jealous at the time.

3) Someone is given the opportunity to go to a conference, workshop, or even just to go on trip, and I do not, I feel jealous. This could be related to my work, or just amongst friends and family, etc.

So, what can I do about this? It's a bit hard to practice away jealousy, but I suppose what I can practice is tolerance and acceptance. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade when they have a reason to celebrate, or are deserving of praise. Perhaps what I can try to do make an conscious effort to congratulate, or engage in discussion about the thing I am jealous about (as a way of showing interest).

You can only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself.
~Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale


Ciao,

*Andrew HATES that song and always asks me to skip it if Rubber Soul is playing--I can't say it's my favourite Beatles tune, either.)