One month in: What have I learned in my process of self-reflection?

Honestly, I haven't really learned anything new. Nor have I come closer to making a decision about my life (hence why I intend this to be a multi-month process).

For the month of January I took a pretty standard approach to decision making.

Step 1: Identify the decision to be made
What kind of career or job do I want to have, or what kind of career or job do I think would make me most happy?

I wonder if this is an over simplification of the decision to be made, or perhaps, I'm trying to put this decision into too simple of terms. It's what I've decided to build on, which might get hashed out better in subsequent months and styles of decision making.

Step 2: Identify alternatives
As I see it, I have 2 paths I can follow.

Librarianship/Research: For the purpose of this exercise I see librarianship and research as the same option, or that they have the same value. Both represent the more 'standard' job. Both would likely be reasonably steady hours, greater pay, and rely on my degree and work experience. In a year's time I'd be looking into courses on stats, or research methods, or librarian-related courses to improve my job prospects.

Aerials/Writing: Unlike the above, these are not exactly the same job, but I feel like to do one, it might require the other because there isn't a lot of money to be made at either. This would definitely be the path of the artist. In year 2 of this process I'd be focusing on taking further aerial teacher training, and figuring out how to market my current books, while writing a new one.

Step 3: Identify uncertainties
One of the biggest problems I have is coming to peace with my level of income and my contribution to the Milne household. I have a lot of wants which require money: nice clothing, nice house, fun vacations, good food, good wine, a car in good working order.

If I choose the librarian/research path, my income won't be much of an uncertainty, but it's a huge one if I choose the aerials/writer path.

Building on this is, what is it that makes me happy? A small part of me thinks (or maybe just imagines), if I figure out what will make me happy, the choice of career will become obvious. Some beacon will shine out of the fog of my life and tell me what I'm supposed to do with myself. Then the whole income level won't matter because I'll be happy, and isn't that the most important thing in life?

Step 4: Gather relevant information
I took this stage as coming up with a list of pros and cons. I repeated this exercise on a couple of different nights, thinking I might have slightly different insights on different nights, then compared what I came up with.

Elements I would consider important in a job:

• Ability to be physically active.
• Ability to have creative outlets.
• Some flexibility in hours to allow for: being available to Ruth if she needs me during the day; occasionally volunteering with a charity.
• Yet some consistent number of hours a week (anywhere between 15 and 20, I think).
• If not receiving benefits, being paid sufficiently to offset not having them.

Elements I would dislike in a job: (which may basically be the opposite of my list of pros)

• Inconsistent hours or schedule OR too ridged a schedule interfering with the amount of time I can spend with Ruth and Andrew.
• A desk job where I sit all day.
• No opportunities to exercise my creativity.
• Low/little income, and/or no benefits.
• Too much time spent alone OR little social interaction.

Step 5: Make a decision

As I stated above, I wasn't necessarily expecting to come out of this single exercise with a final decision. I can't deny, however, certain elements: physical activeness; creativity; flexibility; at least some interaction with others, are jumping out at me.

You would think at this point the signs would be pretty clear, but there's that uncertainty I identified. How much or little income am I comfortable with? That is what I need to figure out.

I had a dream last night (after having written the bulk of this blog post) that seemed aptly timed (and rather suggestive):

I was at Base Camp at Mount Everest. Andrew and Ruth were with me to wish me luck, but I was getting cold feet. I wasn't sure I wanted to go on the climb (the success rate is low, many people die). Additionally, I was supposed to go to Australia (I'm not sure where this came from) after I was finished the climb, meaning I wasn't going to see Andrew and Ruth for weeks. In the end, I decided to stay at the base of Mount Everest, to spend time with my husband and daughter.

A much smaller 'mount' I actually scaled. The Notch, in Jasper National Park, on the Jasper Skyline Trail.

I still remember worrying as we climbed The Notch that I had gotten us into something I shouldn't have, as Andrew was suffering from a bad head cold at the time.

That was a heck of a day, 20+ km, 3 mountain passages.

Until next time.

Ciao,

Andrea

Happy New Year! Now, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?

Back in September I interviewed for a part-time research assistant position. I was turned down, told I was their 'number two.' At that point I decided I wasn't going to apply to any other jobs unless it was a perfect fit.

Instead I was going to do aerials, write, and sew (and take care of my daughter, of course). I was going to train lots, work on my new story idea, and start building a homemade wardrobe.

I also needed to do some deep thinking. I spent sometime researching decision making techniques, making note of several I thought could be helpful. I made an unofficial deadline of September 2018 (when Ruth starts JK) to decide if I was going to take more courses in librarianship/research or instructing aerials.

I was going to put on my big girl pants, and make some decisions about what I really want in life and what makes me happy.

At the end of November I was contacted again about the research assistant position. Certain circumstances had led the first pick to find a different job, was I still interested?

Well crap. I hadn't expected that change of events. I'd put the initial disappointment behind me, and had settled into the idea of staying at home and working on things at my own pace. The trouble was, what if by the time my deadline came around, I decided I needed to find a regular job? It would be 5+ years since the last time I'd worked in a regular office setting. I'd have no up-to-date experiences or references for a librarian/research job.

I've taken the job. Besides the issues above, it is, in fact, a fantastically important research project dealing with mental health and the work place (put very broadly).

As the holidays came to an end, I was looking at my official, up-to-full hours (full, part-time hours, that is), start date of January 2nd, and I was (and still am) kind of panicking. I feel like my plate is full, boarding on over flowing.

In the 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks in a year I have for the next 3 years I need to:

1. Work (up to) 21 hrs/week.
2. Teach aerials 4-6 hr/week (offering to do more day-time hours next fall).
3. Train aerials 4-6 hr/week (at least)
4. Exercise (cardio/strength conditioning) 5-6 hr/week.
5. Write (ha!).
6. Sew (ha! x2).

Then there's the general life stuff of: taking care of/being present for my family, making home cooked meals (most of the time), making sure there's clean laundry, keeping the house tidy enough that it won't drive me nuts (I'm looking into a cleaning service)...anything else? Getting enough sleep, I suppose.

Oh Boy.

Now, let me circle back to something from before.

Above all else, what I must do over the next 3 years is think about what I want to do with my life, and this is in fact that actual point of this post.

My New Years resolution is to spend the next year thinking about what makes me happy, and what I want to do as a job/career. Aerials, write, sew, or librarianship/research. Maybe a combination of 2 of these, but not likely more. By the end of 2018 I would like to have an action plan for 2019. What do I focus in on? What do I re-train in? I'll still have until the end of 2020 before things come into full effect, but I need to know what I'm doing once my present contract is up.

Not only do I need to put on my big girl pants for me, but I need to put them on for Ruth. I need to demonstrate to her how to lead a happy and fulfilled life no matter what career path I choose.

Happy New Years everyone.

Ciao,

Andrea

Awesome photograph by the Awesome Alexa Baker, who some how manages to make me feel like a model.

My big news

I told close friends and family weeks ago, but I've been slow to alert my social media channels to the news that I'm pregnant. I'm a little over 22 weeks, or 5 months, along which means I'm a halfway through my journey. I know this sort of topic is not of interest to everyone, so I'll try to make this my only, or at least one of my only, posts about being pregnant.

To start, I've been feeling almost completely normal. Most of the time I really don't know what to say to people when they ask how I'm doing because I hardly feel pregnant. I haven't experienced many symptoms, mainly shortness of breath, and the obvious, weight gain. The shortness of breath is due to the baby sucking all the iron out of my body, and as iron is used to help transport oxygen it leaves me gasping after runs, and especially going up stairs.

If you've ever read this blog before, you'll know I'm very conscious about my weight. It's one of the tricky things for me about being pregnant (the others being not being able to drink alcohol, and my trying to maintain as much of my strength as possible), I have to gain weight. I'm definitely eating more than I used to, probably eating a few more processed snacks that I should, but I'm still tracking my calorie intake to make sure things don't get out of control. From what I've read, an appropriate amount of weight gain from a woman of normal weight before pregnancy is between 25-30lbs, which I'm on track to do.

My personal belief for why I've been feeling so well (as side from the fact that I'm rarely ill) is that I haven't changed much about my diet and exercise regime. I haven't had to say this to anyone, but if anyone asks me if I think I should stop biking, or running, or doing aerials while I'm pregnant, my prepared response is: "I'm only pregnant, not ill or disabled."

So yes, I'm still running twice a week (albeit rather slowly), I'm still biking to work everyday (I've got bike lanes almost all the way), I'm still doing body weights at home with Andrew, and I'm still going to aerials. When I told the folks at Esh (where we take classes) I was immediately told to keep training for as long as I wanted--and so far it's been fine. I did have to stop going to the advanced silks class because we were doing a lot of drops, many of which required ties around my waist, but it means I get to work on an apparatus I haven't used in 2 years, the trapeze. Not that I exactly love trapeze (it hurt so much more than silks, I swear!) but it keeps me going--and I can still train basic stuff on the silks on the weekend.

I think that's about all I've got to say about being pregnant right now. I'm seeing a midwife at MIT, and so far things are good there. We still need to replace our beloved Smart car (I will write a moratorium when we finally buy a new car), which is being held up while we wait to hear about other decisions that aren't exactly in our hands. Then we can make a few more of the major baby purchases like car seat, stroller, etc.

Ciao,

Andrea