I have never thought of myself as beautiful. Many years ago I told Andrew he was not allowed to tell me so.
I don't even really think of myself as pretty.
To be honest, I often don't think of anyone in such terms, except perhaps my daughter. Interestingly, Ruth has started to say, "I cute," surely something she's heard people say to her (I mean, WE'VE heard people say it to her). When she says this, we usually respond with something like: "Yes, you are cute, Ruth, but that's not the most important thing about being you." Then we list characteristics we think are important such as: being hard-working, caring, helpful, etc.
Personally, I think my eyes are a little too small, as are my ears. Once I learned how to live with my hair I have loved it, although it's changed a lot since Ruth's birth. I like my eye colour, although they're plain blue.
I tend to think about people more in terms of body shape. Does this mean I'm sizeist? Yes, probably. I was a plus-sized child and teenager, and none-to-happy about it. I was teased some, but not intolerably so. I was definitely aware that I was bigger than most of my classmates, and I didn't really know how to change this aspect of myself.
It is difficult to lose weight, and honestly, I did it by accident--mainly, by being stressed in my first year of university and not eating properly (which is also how a lot of people gain weight...I was the opposite). I continued to slim down over many years, then I started aerials.
Aerials completely changed my body. It can be difficult to find shirts that fit me right. I have a tiny chest, and massive shoulders and biceps. More than once I've had to do 'the worst striptease ever' to get out of a shirt in a dressing room. If I was a better seamstress, this would be the perfect time to start making, or at least modifying, my own clothes. I could corner the market of fashionable clothing for muscular women. Alas.
I love my rockin' biceps.
I also have abs. But here's how I describe my stomach: It's a washboard with a couple of light dedicates still on the board.
Why am I saying this? I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, and I hope I'm not pissing anyone off too much. I'm saying this to demonstrate that even someone who is physically fit still has a lot of body-hate. I still look at other people in the studio and think, my stomach isn't as flat as theirs. Why do I have to love chocolate, and cookies, and ice cream so much? Maybe this is partially to do with my youth. Even though I shed the initial pounds 18 years ago, I still live in fear that I'll let them slowly creep back on.
Here's where I try to circle back to Self Value. I know that my appearance shouldn't matter one wit in how I value myself, but thing is, if I'm not comfortable in my own, fair, freckled skin, how can I have a high Self Value? I suppose I need to go back and reflect upon the statements I made in the fourth paragraph. I don't really think about anyone in terms of beauty, and when Ruth says she's 'cute,' Andrew and I rhyme off various things we think are more important.
So, regardless of what other people think of my Face Value, I value the following about myself: my creativity, my skills in the kitchen, my family, my good health, my skills to multi-task, my ability to be thrown into a project/situation and hit the ground running, and my strength.
Ciao,
Andrea
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