One month in: What have I learned in my process of self-reflection?

Honestly, I haven't really learned anything new. Nor have I come closer to making a decision about my life (hence why I intend this to be a multi-month process).

For the month of January I took a pretty standard approach to decision making.

Step 1: Identify the decision to be made
What kind of career or job do I want to have, or what kind of career or job do I think would make me most happy?

I wonder if this is an over simplification of the decision to be made, or perhaps, I'm trying to put this decision into too simple of terms. It's what I've decided to build on, which might get hashed out better in subsequent months and styles of decision making.

Step 2: Identify alternatives
As I see it, I have 2 paths I can follow.

Librarianship/Research: For the purpose of this exercise I see librarianship and research as the same option, or that they have the same value. Both represent the more 'standard' job. Both would likely be reasonably steady hours, greater pay, and rely on my degree and work experience. In a year's time I'd be looking into courses on stats, or research methods, or librarian-related courses to improve my job prospects.

Aerials/Writing: Unlike the above, these are not exactly the same job, but I feel like to do one, it might require the other because there isn't a lot of money to be made at either. This would definitely be the path of the artist. In year 2 of this process I'd be focusing on taking further aerial teacher training, and figuring out how to market my current books, while writing a new one.

Step 3: Identify uncertainties
One of the biggest problems I have is coming to peace with my level of income and my contribution to the Milne household. I have a lot of wants which require money: nice clothing, nice house, fun vacations, good food, good wine, a car in good working order.

If I choose the librarian/research path, my income won't be much of an uncertainty, but it's a huge one if I choose the aerials/writer path.

Building on this is, what is it that makes me happy? A small part of me thinks (or maybe just imagines), if I figure out what will make me happy, the choice of career will become obvious. Some beacon will shine out of the fog of my life and tell me what I'm supposed to do with myself. Then the whole income level won't matter because I'll be happy, and isn't that the most important thing in life?

Step 4: Gather relevant information
I took this stage as coming up with a list of pros and cons. I repeated this exercise on a couple of different nights, thinking I might have slightly different insights on different nights, then compared what I came up with.

Elements I would consider important in a job:

• Ability to be physically active.
• Ability to have creative outlets.
• Some flexibility in hours to allow for: being available to Ruth if she needs me during the day; occasionally volunteering with a charity.
• Yet some consistent number of hours a week (anywhere between 15 and 20, I think).
• If not receiving benefits, being paid sufficiently to offset not having them.

Elements I would dislike in a job: (which may basically be the opposite of my list of pros)

• Inconsistent hours or schedule OR too ridged a schedule interfering with the amount of time I can spend with Ruth and Andrew.
• A desk job where I sit all day.
• No opportunities to exercise my creativity.
• Low/little income, and/or no benefits.
• Too much time spent alone OR little social interaction.

Step 5: Make a decision

As I stated above, I wasn't necessarily expecting to come out of this single exercise with a final decision. I can't deny, however, certain elements: physical activeness; creativity; flexibility; at least some interaction with others, are jumping out at me.

You would think at this point the signs would be pretty clear, but there's that uncertainty I identified. How much or little income am I comfortable with? That is what I need to figure out.

I had a dream last night (after having written the bulk of this blog post) that seemed aptly timed (and rather suggestive):

I was at Base Camp at Mount Everest. Andrew and Ruth were with me to wish me luck, but I was getting cold feet. I wasn't sure I wanted to go on the climb (the success rate is low, many people die). Additionally, I was supposed to go to Australia (I'm not sure where this came from) after I was finished the climb, meaning I wasn't going to see Andrew and Ruth for weeks. In the end, I decided to stay at the base of Mount Everest, to spend time with my husband and daughter.

A much smaller 'mount' I actually scaled. The Notch, in Jasper National Park, on the Jasper Skyline Trail.

I still remember worrying as we climbed The Notch that I had gotten us into something I shouldn't have, as Andrew was suffering from a bad head cold at the time.

That was a heck of a day, 20+ km, 3 mountain passages.

Until next time.

Ciao,

Andrea

Happy New Year! Now, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?

Back in September I interviewed for a part-time research assistant position. I was turned down, told I was their 'number two.' At that point I decided I wasn't going to apply to any other jobs unless it was a perfect fit.

Instead I was going to do aerials, write, and sew (and take care of my daughter, of course). I was going to train lots, work on my new story idea, and start building a homemade wardrobe.

I also needed to do some deep thinking. I spent sometime researching decision making techniques, making note of several I thought could be helpful. I made an unofficial deadline of September 2018 (when Ruth starts JK) to decide if I was going to take more courses in librarianship/research or instructing aerials.

I was going to put on my big girl pants, and make some decisions about what I really want in life and what makes me happy.

At the end of November I was contacted again about the research assistant position. Certain circumstances had led the first pick to find a different job, was I still interested?

Well crap. I hadn't expected that change of events. I'd put the initial disappointment behind me, and had settled into the idea of staying at home and working on things at my own pace. The trouble was, what if by the time my deadline came around, I decided I needed to find a regular job? It would be 5+ years since the last time I'd worked in a regular office setting. I'd have no up-to-date experiences or references for a librarian/research job.

I've taken the job. Besides the issues above, it is, in fact, a fantastically important research project dealing with mental health and the work place (put very broadly).

As the holidays came to an end, I was looking at my official, up-to-full hours (full, part-time hours, that is), start date of January 2nd, and I was (and still am) kind of panicking. I feel like my plate is full, boarding on over flowing.

In the 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks in a year I have for the next 3 years I need to:

1. Work (up to) 21 hrs/week.
2. Teach aerials 4-6 hr/week (offering to do more day-time hours next fall).
3. Train aerials 4-6 hr/week (at least)
4. Exercise (cardio/strength conditioning) 5-6 hr/week.
5. Write (ha!).
6. Sew (ha! x2).

Then there's the general life stuff of: taking care of/being present for my family, making home cooked meals (most of the time), making sure there's clean laundry, keeping the house tidy enough that it won't drive me nuts (I'm looking into a cleaning service)...anything else? Getting enough sleep, I suppose.

Oh Boy.

Now, let me circle back to something from before.

Above all else, what I must do over the next 3 years is think about what I want to do with my life, and this is in fact that actual point of this post.

My New Years resolution is to spend the next year thinking about what makes me happy, and what I want to do as a job/career. Aerials, write, sew, or librarianship/research. Maybe a combination of 2 of these, but not likely more. By the end of 2018 I would like to have an action plan for 2019. What do I focus in on? What do I re-train in? I'll still have until the end of 2020 before things come into full effect, but I need to know what I'm doing once my present contract is up.

Not only do I need to put on my big girl pants for me, but I need to put them on for Ruth. I need to demonstrate to her how to lead a happy and fulfilled life no matter what career path I choose.

Happy New Years everyone.

Ciao,

Andrea

Awesome photograph by the Awesome Alexa Baker, who some how manages to make me feel like a model.

Hello again...What's new? Not much

Hello again, dear reader. Yes, it has been a while. Seven months, I think?

What's new? Oh, not much. I'm still as uncertain, and indecisive as ever. Aerials, motherhood, writing, and librarianship all continue to fight for supremacy in my confused and befuddled heart and mind.

Andrew remains a wonderful support, although I know he's getting frustrated with me, a) because I can't seem to make a decision, or even in progress toward a decision; and b) because he can't help me. I'm not going to delve into this right now.

What brings me back to my little blog space? Well, it's NaNoWriMo,...which in the past I have despised (writing ridiculous amounts in a month does not make one a writer). I'm definitely not going to meet the fifty thousand word goal, but I AM writing. For me, that's pretty big. I haven't had a new set of characters to write about in over three years (hm,...wonder why). I haven't had a new story idea in three years either. I was beginning to despair that that aspect of my creative life was all over.

After a recent re-watching of Casablanca, I had an idea. Something about the phrase 'Everyone comes to Rick's, got me going. Any maybe I could take some of the elements of my favourite book, Sunshine, put then together and come up with something interesting? Whether anyone else will find it interesting remains to be seen.

So, I'm here to proclaim to the hill tops and back: I AM WRITING.

I will try to blog again soon about some other (non-writing) projects I've got planned for November and December.

My current self-published novels available on Amazon. Cimwai's Bay, The Cure, and Circus of Love, under my pen name, Peggy Fitz

Ciao,

Andrea

Clearing one thing up: the afterward of the afterward

Gentle Reader, it seems that one or two of the commenters in Facebook may have made a slight mis-interpretation of part of my original post about Value. If 1 or 2 people in the comments made this mistake, another 5 or 10 who didn't comment probably also drew similar conclusions.

In my original post I wrote about how motherhood changed my view on my career, and how I want Ruth to know she is valued for who she is--and for her to value me. From this, it seems that a few people may have assumed that part of my 'Value Equation' included: What is the value of motherhood? This wasn't my intention.

I enjoy being a mother far more than I imagined I would have, and this is part of the reason why I'm reluctant to return to a full time career. I want to be present in some of the most formative years of my daughter's life, and so I have her at home with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I also want to be available to Ruth if she gets sick at daycare or school and needs to come home early, or be an occasional chaperone on field trips, etc. for sometime yet to come.

However, my not being sure if I want to return to a professional librarian career (full or part time) is related to my uncertainty of what I want to do with my life and not to having a daughter. I think it's fair to say I was never completely happy working as a research librarian. It was okay. I liked the people I worked with, and I didn't feel like my soul was being sucked by some horrid corporate mind-set, but I didn't exactly live and breath for research methods either.

What I meant by bringing up Ruth in my original post was that as she gets older, and she looks at Andrew and sees him as a University Lecturer with a PhD, and looks me and sees an Aerial Instructor (with a MLIS), I hope she doesn't see my choice of career as less valid. They are very different career choices, one fairly traditional and brings in the bulk of our family income, the other not so much--on either count.

Although, as a couple of people pointed out on Facebook, if there's ever a Parent-Career Day Visit Type-Thing at school, kids will probably be way more excited when I explain what I do, compared to most parents.

Does this make sense? Has this cleared up the difference between Value of Career, and Value of Motherhood?

Until next time.

Ciao,

Andrea

Afterward...Finding my value

Well, Gentle Reader, I thought I'd better write a follow-up to my last blog post. I have many, many thoughts on what I need to discuss next, and I have no idea how I'm going to appropriately touch on each point that has been raised, but I will do my best.

To start, let me say how amazing my friends are. When you write a personal post like my previous one, you never know how people are going to respond. I wrote it with the sole purpose of explaining my feelings--mostly so I could work things through for myself. I didn't expect to be trolled, but I didn't know if anyone would read it, let alone respond. My friends did respond (on Facebook), in force.

Many friends reminded me I'm not alone in struggling with my sense of value, and thanked me for sharing my feelings:

"I think value is something anyone with a good sense of self scrutinizes often. I know I do. Thank you for sharing."

Some friends shared their similar experiences of setting aside a normal/more lucrative career for something their passionate about:

"I also have been feeling this- part of why I have stuck around in [my profession] so long is because I have an ingrained assumption that it is somehow more valuable to society than my other endeavors...even though I KNOW this to be untrue."

"As someone who went from gainfully employed to [an artist]... I HEAR YOU. All I can say is, the arts are IMPORTANT and motherhood is IMPORTANT. Don't feel like you're somehow worth less because you're not earning as many actual dollars as you were before. It's hard, though. I still struggle with it..."

Some friends shared their reactions to when they meet/hear of someone who has an alternative career:

"It is hard to accept the fact that you have worked so many years and are moving down instead of 'up' like your friends/peers...As for your work seeming frivolous, I ask you to remember peoples' reactions when they meet a yoga or dance instructor. Usually it is with awe and jealousy. "Man, I wish I could do that for a living!"." 

"There is one thing I ask myself that helps me in this situation: what would I think of someone else doing this? I don't know about you, but I admire people who find a way to do what they really love, whether they get paid for it or not. Including you!"

A fellow instructor shared her experience of how teaching Pole has changed her students lives:

"When I first starting teaching pole I thought it was just a fun job to do to keep me busy and fit. The first time I had a student come up to me and tell me about how pole and the studio community had helped them feel more confident in themselves and that they were taking steps to end an abusive relationship, I thought it was a fluke. The second time it happened, I thought it was an odd coincidence. The third time it happened I realized there was a lot more going on than I had ever realized.

Progressing in pole or aerial and being able to do things you thought you would never be able to do in a million years is such an incredible confidence booster, and confident people can go on to make incredible changes in their lives and the world around them.

As a fellow higher education nerd/"career woman", I can absolutely understand how you may feel less valuable now, but you're definitely not!"

And finally, someone I see as a successful business person who is also someone I admire, wrote this:

 "You are not alone. And if many/all of us can feel this then "value" cannot possibly be based in the job of the moment. It's somewhere else inside us -- elusive at times -- subconscious until one renders it otherwise by having the courage to explore it out loud. I am willing to speculate that you are overlooking the many elements which compose the aggregate value of who you are."

to borrow from someone much wiser (authorship in dispute)

"No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in the present little instant. Take peace! ... Life is so full of meaning and of purpose, so full of beauty – beneath its covering – that you will find that earth but cloaks your heaven. Courage, then to claim it: that is all! But courage you have.."

Yes ... you have wonderful courage and that in and of itself has a value that cannot be compared to a traditional job. Good luck on your journey of thinking and discovery. Your willingness to say things out loud helps me -- and it seems many others."

I feel all the positive comments sent my way has helped to bolster my courage. I am still uncertain about my future path, but I feel a little better about my current footsteps. Hopefully, I can find a internal compass or a map to help me find my way. As a first step in orienting myself, I'm going to work on a series of blog posts to explore my feelings and experiences around becoming a professional aeralist, and what that means for my personal value.

Ciao,

Andrea

As a final note:

I hope no one at home was worried that I was on the verge of harming myself. It occurred to me after the fact, that some of my readers may have been worried about my mental health. Let me assure you, I am OK. Not fine, obviously, but although I at times don't love my life, I do love the people in my life far too much, to ever consider harming myself.

What is the value of 1 Andrea?

Well, this blog has been silent for sometime. Not intentionally so, writing simply hasn't been high on my priority list. It's been high on my wish list perhaps, but when it comes to my currently lifestyle I run out of time for blogging.

I have been struggling sometime, Gentle Reader, with my sense of Value, and it is this struggle that is now motivating me to post. As I haven't blogged in many, many months, I need to explain.

In May of 2016, I became an aerial instructor, while my other sources of contract employment ended. I went from being involved in a variety of research projects, which relied on my many years of experience in medical research, evaluating medical studies, critical thinking, etc., to teaching people how to climb two pieces of fabric rigged to a ceiling. I went from highly paid work which, if not related to my Masters, at least benefited from my advanced education, to taking a hobby to the next level. I went from a real job to a...well, still a real job, but a not so..I don't know...do you get what I'm saying?

I may be over-simplifying, or perhaps over-dramatizing my situation, but I am doing so to demonstrating my feelings. I am struggling to understand the Value of 1 S. Andrea Milne in the world today.

Not long after I started doing aerials I thought it might be fun to teach. At the time it hadn't occurred to me that it could be a career choice. I took a 40-hour workshop on Teaching Aerials at the New England Center for Circus Arts in February of 2014, but I still didn't imagine that teaching might one day be my sole source of income. I took the course so I might one day teach a couple of classes because I thought it might be something I might like to do.

What changed?

Many things. Part of it is, I became a mother--something I wasn't sure I wanted to be for many years. Even stranger still, I found I wanted to be at home with Ruth more than what I could be with a full time job. Throw in wanting to continue my aerial training and I wasn't sure how I would balance a hobby, a job, and a daughter. Another part was that Andrew and I returned to Waterloo, Ontario, our home territory, and Andrew was no longer a student. With Andrew making decent money, I didn't actually have to work full-time to help support our little family. All the while I was assisting Aradia Kitchener in becoming Brass Butterflies, Kitchener-Waterloo's home for pole fitness and aerial arts.

So, now I teach approximately seven classes a week, plus help with whatever administrative duties I can around the studio--a far cry from a once fully employed Research Librarian I was when we still lived in Edmonton. Was I happy then, either? I think if you look back over my blog you'll find that was in question as well.

Here's this question of happiness again, or what I've termed in this blog post as Value. I think my current struggle has more to do with my sense of Value than it has to do with my sense of Happiness.

I feel I have less value because my current occupation might seem rather frivolous to someone who is struggling to put food on their table each night, or is struggling to achieve mental or physical health, or is struggling against discrimination, etc.

I feel I have less value because I am earning a lot less than I used to.

I feel I have less value because I'm never quite sure how to answer the question of what I do for a living, and although I'm not necessarily embarrassed to tell people I teach aerial silks for a living, I feel like other people don't see what I do as a 'real job.'

I feel I have less value as an aerial instructor because I do not believe I'm as good as many of the instructors I've had in the past.

I feel I have less value as an aerial performer because I do not believe I'm as good as other aerialist I have known (both fellow students and instructors).

Less value than what? I don't know. Less value than my husband who teaches at the University of Waterloo, helping students to become useful members of society? Less value than other friends with PhDs who not only teach, but activity participate in protests against the present administration in the United States? Less value than family members who I know participate in charitable works in the community?

Yeah, less valuable than all those people. And more who I don't know.

This is my struggle. I don't have a good answer, or plan, or anything for how to proceed. I have to, that much I know. I have to for my daughter, for Ruth. At the very least I want her to know that we (Andrew and I) don't value her for her accomplishments, but that we value her for her. And she is Amazing, and worth valuing for the hard-working, adorable, caring little girl that she is.

I value my daughter, and I want her to value me.

Until next time.

Ciao,

Andrea

Considering happiness

I'm lucky that I have a spouse who wants me to find a career that will make me happy. This is a subject that has repeatedly bobbed it's head above the water line over the last 12 years of our marriage. I've blogged about it the past too. Typically the conversation doesn't go much beyond my job doesn't make me happy, but it doesn't make miserable either. I suppose that's not horrible.

But that's not exactly what one shoots for, a job that's Not Horrible.

My life is in flux right now, it has been since we left Edmonton in 2013. Moving to a new city should have lead to a new job, furthering my career as a librarian, but we moved to the US. Finding a job was hard, and obtaining a work permit surprisingly difficult. I worked remotely, a decision that was easy more than anything else.

Again, it wasn't horrible.

Then I had a baby, went on maternity leave, and moved back to Canada. I causally looked for jobs as my year at home with Ruth wound down, but I also knew that other opportunities might or might not pan out if I waited to see. To make a long story short, I've decided to take a year to see if I can make a leaving out of Aerials. That would be teaching, performing, and maybe helping manage the business too.

So, what does this all have to do with happiness?

Well, I'm currently reading Happiness: A Philosopher's Guide, by Frederic Lenoir, in an effort to understand what happiness is, and how I might be able to incorporate it more into my life. In one of the early chapters, this particular passage caught my attention:

...think of a music lover who dreams of making a profession of music...If they succeed, they'll be happy to have realized their deepest aspiration...Other people might harbor the same dream, but cannot organize their lives in such a way as to achieve their goal...they'll keep saying to their friends, as the years go by, that they have a 'musician's soul, that they would really love to live their passion, but for the lack of effort and perseverance these people never realize their desire and will be condemned to frustration. p.39

I suppose this passage might seem harsh or depressing on it's own, but I'm trying to take it as motivation. If you've ever read my blog before, you'll know that one of my other passions is writing. For many years I worked a nine-to-five job as a research assistant, then spent two to three hours every night writing. I completed a couple of manuscripts this way, and attempted to get them published.

I would say I was somewhat striving towards my goal of being a published author. I kept my day job to ensure an income, but spent a lot of my free timing at home writing. This many years removed, I can't say how I felt in regards to trying to my efforts to achieve my writing dreams, but I sure do miss all the time I had to dedicate to my passion.

Now I'm shifting my focus to aerials.

I love watching the Olympics. I'm not sure why, I just do (along with many people, I suppose). A few days ago there was an interview on CBC with an Olympic cyclist, who's name I've now forgotten. I believe she was an older athlete, as during the segment, she spoke about how it's never to late to work towards your dreams, never to late to seek happiness. Her comments couldn't have come at a better time for me. It re-affirmed to me that what I'm doing is right.

I've put together a schedule for myself to make sure I fit in enough aerial training, running (for the cardio and bone health), and stretching. I'm looking into taking some ballet classes to help improve my grace in the air. Once I'm done my current round of library reading I'm going to looking into some books on fitness. I want to plan another trip to the New England Center for Circus Arts, to take further teacher training. I'll also be taking some additional non-teaching work at the studio.

Will this amount to happiness? Will this amount to a career in aerials? I don't know. What I do know is, if I don't try I'll be left wondering. This will definitely be a 'What If' situation. If I don't put in an effort, I will struggle to find happiness with the knowledge that I let this opportunity slip by untouched hanging over my head. For the next year I will try to live the life of an aerialist, and make a decision after that.

What makes you happy?

Ciao,

Andrea