One month in: What have I learned in my process of self-reflection?

Honestly, I haven't really learned anything new. Nor have I come closer to making a decision about my life (hence why I intend this to be a multi-month process).

For the month of January I took a pretty standard approach to decision making.

Step 1: Identify the decision to be made
What kind of career or job do I want to have, or what kind of career or job do I think would make me most happy?

I wonder if this is an over simplification of the decision to be made, or perhaps, I'm trying to put this decision into too simple of terms. It's what I've decided to build on, which might get hashed out better in subsequent months and styles of decision making.

Step 2: Identify alternatives
As I see it, I have 2 paths I can follow.

Librarianship/Research: For the purpose of this exercise I see librarianship and research as the same option, or that they have the same value. Both represent the more 'standard' job. Both would likely be reasonably steady hours, greater pay, and rely on my degree and work experience. In a year's time I'd be looking into courses on stats, or research methods, or librarian-related courses to improve my job prospects.

Aerials/Writing: Unlike the above, these are not exactly the same job, but I feel like to do one, it might require the other because there isn't a lot of money to be made at either. This would definitely be the path of the artist. In year 2 of this process I'd be focusing on taking further aerial teacher training, and figuring out how to market my current books, while writing a new one.

Step 3: Identify uncertainties
One of the biggest problems I have is coming to peace with my level of income and my contribution to the Milne household. I have a lot of wants which require money: nice clothing, nice house, fun vacations, good food, good wine, a car in good working order.

If I choose the librarian/research path, my income won't be much of an uncertainty, but it's a huge one if I choose the aerials/writer path.

Building on this is, what is it that makes me happy? A small part of me thinks (or maybe just imagines), if I figure out what will make me happy, the choice of career will become obvious. Some beacon will shine out of the fog of my life and tell me what I'm supposed to do with myself. Then the whole income level won't matter because I'll be happy, and isn't that the most important thing in life?

Step 4: Gather relevant information
I took this stage as coming up with a list of pros and cons. I repeated this exercise on a couple of different nights, thinking I might have slightly different insights on different nights, then compared what I came up with.

Elements I would consider important in a job:

• Ability to be physically active.
• Ability to have creative outlets.
• Some flexibility in hours to allow for: being available to Ruth if she needs me during the day; occasionally volunteering with a charity.
• Yet some consistent number of hours a week (anywhere between 15 and 20, I think).
• If not receiving benefits, being paid sufficiently to offset not having them.

Elements I would dislike in a job: (which may basically be the opposite of my list of pros)

• Inconsistent hours or schedule OR too ridged a schedule interfering with the amount of time I can spend with Ruth and Andrew.
• A desk job where I sit all day.
• No opportunities to exercise my creativity.
• Low/little income, and/or no benefits.
• Too much time spent alone OR little social interaction.

Step 5: Make a decision

As I stated above, I wasn't necessarily expecting to come out of this single exercise with a final decision. I can't deny, however, certain elements: physical activeness; creativity; flexibility; at least some interaction with others, are jumping out at me.

You would think at this point the signs would be pretty clear, but there's that uncertainty I identified. How much or little income am I comfortable with? That is what I need to figure out.

I had a dream last night (after having written the bulk of this blog post) that seemed aptly timed (and rather suggestive):

I was at Base Camp at Mount Everest. Andrew and Ruth were with me to wish me luck, but I was getting cold feet. I wasn't sure I wanted to go on the climb (the success rate is low, many people die). Additionally, I was supposed to go to Australia (I'm not sure where this came from) after I was finished the climb, meaning I wasn't going to see Andrew and Ruth for weeks. In the end, I decided to stay at the base of Mount Everest, to spend time with my husband and daughter.

A much smaller 'mount' I actually scaled. The Notch, in Jasper National Park, on the Jasper Skyline Trail.

I still remember worrying as we climbed The Notch that I had gotten us into something I shouldn't have, as Andrew was suffering from a bad head cold at the time.

That was a heck of a day, 20+ km, 3 mountain passages.

Until next time.

Ciao,

Andrea

Stop undermining the values I wish to teach my daughter: an uneducated feminist rant

First, I have subtitled this post, 'an uneducated feminist rant,' because although I have studied two feminized subject areas (nursing and librarianship), I have never studied feminist theory. I like to believe that I have feminist leanings on a fundamental level, but I couldn't dip my toe into a discussion of feminist principles beyond, 'Why yes, I DO think everyone should be treated equal regardless of gender.' What little I know about the theories are based on dinner conversations with my friend Mandy.

But, this is not a discussion of my lack of knowledge. This is a discussion about how people view my 20 month old daughter.

My daughter is very cute.

Yes, this is partially parental pride, but we get a lot of comments from people. Random strangers, friends, family members. We've walked around malls with Ruth hanging on to our hands and heard people gawk at her as we go by. We receive lots of remarks on how pretty her eyes, or her curls are.

I'm not going to post a picture, sorry. Ruth rarely graces the pages of my social media, and if she does, I make sure the picture doesn't provide a clear shot of her face. This is partially for her protection, but also because at 20 months old, she doesn't have the ability to give her consent to my posting her picture.

I will say she's petite, with big blue eyes and strawberry blond curls. She's normally fair skinned, although she's quite tanned right now from being out in the sun so much. Once she's given you very careful, and serious consideration, she'll likely give you a huge smile. I do my best not to dress her in an overtly girly fashion (i.e. skirts and dresses), or colours (well, you know).

Now, to the point.

On Saturday we went to a local beach. An older woman, who happened to be situated next to our blanket, remarked on Ruth's physical appearance "She looks just like a baby from a magazine..." Um...okay.

Then she said something to this affect: "When she turns 13 you're going to have to lock her up in a tower to keep the boys away."

Um...what? Did we somehow get sucked back into 'Ye Olden Times' without knowing it? Sadly, this is not the first time we've heard such a comment.

In this case, we tried to turn it into a joke by responding with: "Oh no, we'll just teach her how to deal with people."

This woman was a stranger, and although we were horrified by her remark, was there a point in entering into an argument about the inappropriateness of her comment? I don't know. I don't particularly like to argue with people I do know, so it didn't seem worth it.

Before we knew Ruth's gender Andrew and I both hoped for a girl--and we knew that we would have to work extra hard to teach her that she could be as capable as any person to be whatever she wants. That just because she's female doesn't mean she has to wear pink, and dresses, and that it's okay to be good at math and science, if her interests lean in the STEM direction. But, that it's also okay to like pink for the sake of liking pink, and that social sciences are a wonderful avenue of study.

Furthermore, we want to teach her critical thinking skills, so there's no reason for building that tower. Arming her with knowledge about sex and consent are far more effective than a lock and key. We can't protect Ruth against everything, I know that, even if I haven't totally accepted it yet. All we can do is try to give her the tools she needs to maneuver her way through life as best as she can, and let her go.

But please, try not to undermine the values we're trying to teach her by telling her that she's going to be too pretty to be safe on her own. She may only be 20 months old, be she understands a great deal of what people say to her already.

So what we tell her is this: We love her no matter what, she's smart, she's thoughtful, and she's a hard worker.

Ciao,

Andrea

My first post-baby post

It's been 9 weeks, Yup. Nine weeks since my daughter, Ruth Moira Milne, was born.

I think *knock on wood* I am coming out (or already out) of the newborn baby haze of sleep deprivation. Part of this is owing to Ruth's mainly content, cheerful disposition *knock on wood again*, but also, 9 weeks out, I think I'm starting to understand my daughter's cues a little better, which helps to keep her happy.

But let me back up a bit.

Ruth entered our lives on November 26th, 2014 at 5:46 p.m.. My labour was about as uneventful as my pregnancy, which is to say I noticed my first contraction around 4:00 a.m., laboured for 12 hours at home, spending the last 2 in the hospital. Andrew and I took a couple of walks throughout the day, I spent part of the morning on the couch reading Harry Potter, I tried to stay as relaxed as possible considering what was happening.

Ruth is beautiful--but then, what parent doesn't think that of their offspring? She has blue eyes (as many babies do), but I can't quite tell what her hair colour is. In some lights I think she might turn out to be a redhead, in others I think she'll be a brunette. Slightly more people think Ruth looks like me rather than Andrew, although how anyone can tell at this point I don't know. Photo evidence from when I was a baby suggests at the very least that she has the same face shape as me, but her hairline (a widow's peak) is more like her father's.

Presently, I do not intend to post pictures of Ruth here or on Twitter. You need to know me personally to have the chance to decide for yourself who my daughter looks most like.

I also do not intend to turn this space into a 'mommy blog,' but I may occasionally write about some of my experiences/observations of parenthood. After all, being a parent to a little girl is consuming my life right now. I definitely have a few thoughts to share about breastfeeding, we'll  see if anything else comes to mind in the coming weeks.

Ciao,

Andrea